Jokes

Posted: December 26, 2010 in ALL POSTS, Jokes
Tags: , , , , , ,

What follows are some
of the best jokes I have
either heard  or come
across on the internet
over the past several years.
As I come across new ones,
I will paste them at the top.

The Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.

Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.

“Was it an inheritance?” he asked.

“No,” she answered.

“Was it from playing the stock market?” he inquired.

“No,” she replied.

He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.

“I bet,” she stated.

“As in horses?” he asked.

“No,” she replied. “I bet people.” Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day –how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. “Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer!”

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong with him?” he inquired.

“Oh, him,” she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”

____________________________________________

The Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.  He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot   squawks “and get me a whisky you cow!”  The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls,                                          “and get me another whisky you bitch”.  Quite upset, the girl comes back with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll give you a slap”.

A few moments later both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.  Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “for someone who can’t fly you’re a cheeky bastard!

___________________________________________

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.

“This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.

“This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “what do you think of this?”

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS,”

To which the old drunk replies, “That right, now guess how old I am.”

____________________________________________

WOOPS!

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.

A nurse walked by and said, “Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer.”

The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, “Dammit! Some asshole has my pen.”

___________________________________________

The Cowboy Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his Dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?” Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!”

___________________________________________

An Eye Catcher

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of hersocket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

“Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her

eye back in the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to

you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the

woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him

into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild,

passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and

brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman. Are

you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied, “You just happened to catch my eye!”

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Comments
  1. Spencer LaPatra says:

    I like. Great way for an insomniac to close the night.

  2. […] originally came from) scientific analysis of the impossibility of the existence of Santa. In “jokes” I add a few favorite jokes I have received from hyper space over the years. In […]

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