Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

In my blog A Mystery Noise I told of my frustrating experience with a noise I could not identify in my house.  Something similar has happened again.  Two mornings ago after I had finished my shower in the morning, I detected the sound of water running through the pipes of my house, but I knew that all water was turned off.  I then checked all faucets in the house, including the outside faucet and there was no water anywhere.  But, wherever I went in my house I could clearly hear the running water and I could hear it the strongest down in my basement.  Yesterday I called a handy-man I know, who agreed to come over last night to try to figure out my problem.  At first he could not figure out until I told him that there is a pipe coming out of my garage floor that used to have a faucet on it, but that I had never used.  At some point I had noticed that tiny amounts of hot water was leaking out of it, but it was so little I just ignored it.

As soon as I told Dave (the handy-man) this he quickly realized what was going on and found the pipe going through the wall of my basement, which he explained was the pipe leading to my garage underground.  This pipe was probably put in about fifty years ago and is galvanized pipe, so had probably pretty much disintegrated, so water running into that pipe from my basement was apparently providing possibly generations of woodchucks with their own hot-tubs below my lawn.  I had turned the valve off to this pipe many years ago and since not more than a few occasional drops were coming out at the other end in my garage, I figured the valve must be doing its job.  It was not.

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Hey Folks,

Just thought I would write a blog that gives a short description of the more than fifty blogs I have written so far.  My blogs are divided into categories, so I will arrange this blog in the same way.  Note that some of my blogs fall into more than one of my categories, but they will only be chronicled once below. The blogs are listed in each category in chronological order from the oldest to the newest.

ADVENTURE:
In “The Mexico Expedition“, I tell about an expedition my father and I went on in the jungles of Mexico. In “Shrimp Boats” Although the next blog, entitled “Grand Canyon” is yet unfinished, I published it anyway and at some point will finish this massive blog about the fun-filled trip to the Grand Canyon with the family of my best friends.  Economizing Words details a four-day conference I attended on Long Island, where I began to learn techniques for teaching mobility skills to persons who are deaf-blind.

HUMOR
This category has several entries, but two are rather silly like, “Anti Aging” “Cream” which does not deserve an explanation and “Lovesick Squirrel“, which is also rather weak. I do think that my blog about “The Empty bus“, which details my most embarrassing moment is, if I do say so myself, pretty funny. In “No Virginia“, I shared one person’s(was unable to find who this piece originally came from) scientific analysis of the impossibility of the existence of Santa. In “jokes” I add a few favorite jokes I have received from hyper space over the years. In “National Bake Sale” I make my own tongue-in-cheek “modest proposal” as to how to solve our national debt crisis.

 Miscellaneous World Blogs
In “The Big Ponzi Scheme“, I explain why I think the free enterprise system is one giant Ponzi Scheme.  In “Taxes 101“, I decry America’s aversion to paying taxes.  In “Wiki leaks Realization“, I applaud how these revelations reveal just how stupid our world leaders (mostly men) are.  “Don’t ask Don’t Tell” is just one of my several blogs that attack the moronic bigoted behavior in the world.   In “The Wal-Marting of America“,  I talk about how China has adopted a similar policy of that adopted by Wal-mart to economically crush everyone but them.  In ‘A Letter to the Rich“, I send these sycophants a warning.    In The God of Abraham VS Spirituality,  I detail reasons why belief in this god,  contradicts its adherents claim to spirituality.   “Jesus“, is another of my polemics against bigotry.  In “The Age of Stupid“, I mourn the current anti-intellectual climate fostered by the right wing-nuts of the republican party.    In “Inherent Bigotry“,  I detail how I think the bigotry is inherent in the three major religions that dominate the world today — Judaism, Christianity and Islam.    In” There is a fine“,  I talk about why parents — not teachers — are the ones who are really the ones responsible for the education of their children.   In”I’m Tired of the Bleeping Censorship“, I point out how silly trying to control media language with “‘bleeping” offensive language is.   “Are the Republicans the New Sodomites?“,  is not actually one of my blogs, but was a New York Times OP:Ed in which Nicolas Kristoff, gives an amusing quiz that points out just how out of touch with reality the Christian right are.   In “Corporate Person-hood“,  I decry the supreme court’s decision that gives corporations the same rights as real people and I make an argument why they are not at all human.  in “Good People“, I give my opinion on what it takes to be a good person.   In “Not for Profits Please” I give my argument why these entities are a superior way to proceed in the future.   In “In the Tradition of Tomas de Torquemada” I decry the religious zealotry of Rick Santorum.    And finally in this category, I wrote two companion blogs,  “Racism is …“, which explains why we should stop using this archaic word and “Ethnic Bigotry is caused by?“, which details what science has discovered about the sources of bigotry.

NEWS RANTS
In “My Take on Egypt” I talk about what I think really spurred the Arab Spring.  In “McCarthyism Reincarnated“,  I make a short comment on the ravings of Ann Coulter.  In “Nuclear Lies“, I argue that no matter what we do with this form of power, it will never be safe.  In discuss the meaning of “Cults“, and in Bill Maher’s comments about conservative woman… I argue that Mr. Maher’s comments is neither a sexist nor misogynistic.  In Here’s Something I rant about the Supreme Court decisions on corporate person-hood.

PICTURES
 In “Pictures“, which is not really a blog in my list, but a menu item at the top of my blog, I display some of the favorites from the pictures I have taken.   I display some pictures of my master in “My Cat: Wheatina Turdmonky“.  Lastly in this category, I chronicle the tragedy of  “A Green Heron Saga”

WEIRD
This category had a few entries, but the others have already been mentioned in other categories, so there is only one left.  “A Mystery Noise”  Tells about an actual, very frustrating experience I had in my home one long night.

SHORT STORIES
I have two short stories of my own in this category, “Symbiosis” a completely fictional short short story about an encounter with an unusual individual and “Words in Time“, another short short of mine with time travel as its theme.  And finally in this category, I put in one that is not mine “The Story of an Hour“, by Kate Chopin.  Although only one page long,  this is one of the most powerful short stories I have ever read.

WORDS
In this final category, I offer on blog that lists some of my favorite “aphorisms” in general and then two more that deal specifically with “Death” and “Ennui”  I also include a list of “Aphorattemts” which lists some original quotes of mine.

Because apparently many Americans want to have a country, but don’t want to pay for it, we have accumulated the tremendousness debt we are now saddled with.  I consider this attitude to be unpatriotic.  All of the neocon republicans and libertarians in tea party clothing who are screaming for no more taxes or even less taxes are really in my opinion just a bunch of anarchists in and no patriots.  How dare they expect to live in the greatest country the world has ever known and not have to pay their way?
So, since the wealthiest of us and their minions, will not pony up, I think I might have a way to pry some money out of them.  How about a giant series of National Bake Sales.   To be held in every church, synagogue, mosque, school, government agency, mall, beach and any other conceivable public or private location, with the proceeds all going toward paying off the national debt.  These proceeds, unlike taxes, would be given to the government with the stipulation that they would go directly to paying the debt only.
You might ask, but how much money could come in from that?  The Hartford Institute estimates there are roughly 335,000 religious congregations in the United States.  Lets say that each of these had a sale — of course from ingredients  donated by the wonderfully charitable parishioners and each of these congregations  and lets say they each took in $2000.00 (I don’t think thats a stretch – I have seen parishioners eat).  This influx of cash would cause our debt to go down by $670,000,000(six hundred and seventy million).    So, since our debt now is at roughly 14,000,000,000,000 (fourteen trillion), we can then subtract our contribution and find out that the debt is now cut way down to the tiny sum of roughly thirteen trillion.  Oh well, so much for the bake sale idea.
I have another idea.  Why don’t those of us who are enjoying a tremendous standard of living regardless of the bluster,  stop whining about paying taxes especially when to those at the very top,  rather than suffering from the recession,  made record profits by getting away with squeezing every ounce of blood and sweat from the remaining work force.  Myself with my meager income? If I have to pay a little more in Taxes so be it.  I’m a patriot.  I love my country.  I’d like to see it survive.  We can do it, if we all chip in.

Jokes

Posted: December 26, 2010 in ALL POSTS, Jokes
Tags: , , , , , ,

What follows are some
of the best jokes I have
either heard  or come
across on the internet
over the past several years.
As I come across new ones,
I will paste them at the top.

The Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.

Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.

“Was it an inheritance?” he asked.

“No,” she answered.

“Was it from playing the stock market?” he inquired.

“No,” she replied.

He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.

“I bet,” she stated.

“As in horses?” he asked.

“No,” she replied. “I bet people.” Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day –how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. “Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer!”

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong with him?” he inquired.

“Oh, him,” she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”

____________________________________________

The Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.  He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot   squawks “and get me a whisky you cow!”  The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls,                                          “and get me another whisky you bitch”.  Quite upset, the girl comes back with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll give you a slap”.

A few moments later both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.  Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “for someone who can’t fly you’re a cheeky bastard!

___________________________________________

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.

“This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.

“This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “what do you think of this?”

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS,”

To which the old drunk replies, “That right, now guess how old I am.”

____________________________________________

WOOPS!

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.

A nurse walked by and said, “Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer.”

The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, “Dammit! Some asshole has my pen.”

___________________________________________

The Cowboy Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his Dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?” Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!”

___________________________________________

An Eye Catcher

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of hersocket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

“Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her

eye back in the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to

you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the

woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him

into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild,

passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and

brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman. Are

you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied, “You just happened to catch my eye!”

No Virginia . . .

Posted: December 23, 2010 in ALL POSTS, Humor, Weird
Tags: , , ,

The Real Story Behind Santa

Proposition: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?


1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and

create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be

subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of

his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s deadnow.

THE EMPTY BUS

My Most Embarrassing Experience

By Ross E. Deforrest

It was the spring of 1972 and I was in the second semester of my first year at Auburn Community College.  I was 25 at the time, having served my time with Uncle Sam before starting my college career.  One of the classes I had selected for this semester was a biology course entitled “Ecology 103.”  The focus of the class was to study the effects of pollution on the environment.  I was drawn to the class by the description in the curriculum of the several field-trips the class would be taking around Central New York and Northern Pennsylvania, to view and study the effects of pollution.   One of the trips we took and the one that is the focus of this sad story was to view and study the devastating effects of strip-mining in Northern Pennsylvania.

The group which consisted of about 25 co-eds (about 2/3 female) and our biology professor/chaperone/organizer of this trip, was transported via a chartered bus to our destination, a Pennsylvania state park in the northern part of the state.  The curriculum clearly stated what we would need to bring as well as the do’s and the don’ts: three changes of clothing; canned or boxed food of some sort for ourselves as no food would be provided; and no drugs or alcohol (that final rule almost universally ignored.)

The trip to Pennsylvania was uneventful, but when we arrived at the park we found it to be nestled in a truly beautiful forest of giant old growth pines with abundant wildlife including deer, rattlesnakes and numerous flying squirrels gliding from tree to tree.  But this story is not about what occurred there, but an incident that happened on the bus trip home.   However that incident was shaped by actions the night before in our cabin.

As I stated before we all had been instructed to bring various canned and dry foods to prepare for ourselves and we all did.  But the cabin only had one large pot to prepare food in, so somebody got the brilliant idea to create a massive stew by mixing everyone’s offerings in that one pot.  This we did and the resulting gruel consisted of: rice, chicken soup, tomato soup, Chile, mushroom soup, goulash, sauerkraut, beets and one guy even poured about one half of a quart bottle of blackberry brandy in it.   When this concoction was brought to a boil the results were a bubbly, bazaar smelling, purple-brownish witch’s brew.  None of the females would touch it and only a few of the other guys even tasted it.  I refrained from eating it right away, but as the night wore on, my hunger grew to the point that to the astonishment of everyone, I ate two bowls of it — none of them had of course, spent the last two years eleven months fifteen days three hours and thirty six minutes eating army food.

I had eaten this bazaar meal at about one in the morning and went to bed right after that as we were to head back toward Auburn at the crack of dawn.  When that much-too-early time arrived, I slept through several attempts to wake me and dragged myself and my things to the bus which was all packed with everybody on it anxiously glaring at me as I stumbled on.  As I entered the door of the bus and walked down the isle, I detected a distinct fiery rumbling in my stomach and intestines that only increased as I approached an empty isle seat toward the back of the bus.  When I plopped down in my seat, I found that  the guy who put the blackberry brandy in the gruel and who had subsequently consumed the rest of that bottle, leaving him in a severe state of dazed hangover slumped in the window-seat next to me.  We had traveled about twenty minutes of our three-hour journey before I realized that rumbling in my gut would require some release.  I thought that I might get away with carefully allowing a silent, slow release of the pressure and so leaning gently,  I made the attempt.  It was silent, but my seatmate was not, because he immediately turned to me with a horrified look on his already green face and screamed loud enough so everyone on the bus could hear:

“Jesus Ross”, after which he thrust his head out the window and threw up.

As the invisible toxic cloud moved row by row toward the front of the bus, heads snapped around to face me with its arrival at each successive row, and I was met with glaring angry faces.  The “domino effect” continued until the toxic cloud reached the driver, who immediately pulled the bus over on the shoulder and was the first to exit, followed quickly by everyone else. We all stood by side of the road for a full ten minutes until it was safe to re-enter.   That was for me a long ten minutes.

Lovesick Squirrel

Posted: December 18, 2010 in ALL POSTS, Humor, Weird
Tags: , , ,

As I was walking out my back door early this fall, I heard a strange high-pitched singing emitting from behind my garage.  Upon inspecting I was amazed to see a larger than average squirrel perched on a log with a much smaller than average guitar propped on his knee.  Luckily I had my digital recorder handy and was able to record one song.  Apparently he favors Hank Williams.

Click HERE to hear the song