Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Hey Folks,

Just thought I would write a blog that gives a short description of the more than fifty blogs I have written so far.  My blogs are divided into categories, so I will arrange this blog in the same way.  Note that some of my blogs fall into more than one of my categories, but they will only be chronicled once below. The blogs are listed in each category in chronological order from the oldest to the newest.

ADVENTURE:
In “The Mexico Expedition“, I tell about an expedition my father and I went on in the jungles of Mexico. In “Shrimp Boats” Although the next blog, entitled “Grand Canyon” is yet unfinished, I published it anyway and at some point will finish this massive blog about the fun-filled trip to the Grand Canyon with the family of my best friends.  Economizing Words details a four-day conference I attended on Long Island, where I began to learn techniques for teaching mobility skills to persons who are deaf-blind.

HUMOR
This category has several entries, but two are rather silly like, “Anti Aging” “Cream” which does not deserve an explanation and “Lovesick Squirrel“, which is also rather weak. I do think that my blog about “The Empty bus“, which details my most embarrassing moment is, if I do say so myself, pretty funny. In “No Virginia“, I shared one person’s(was unable to find who this piece originally came from) scientific analysis of the impossibility of the existence of Santa. In “jokes” I add a few favorite jokes I have received from hyper space over the years. In “National Bake Sale” I make my own tongue-in-cheek “modest proposal” as to how to solve our national debt crisis.

 Miscellaneous World Blogs
In “The Big Ponzi Scheme“, I explain why I think the free enterprise system is one giant Ponzi Scheme.  In “Taxes 101“, I decry America’s aversion to paying taxes.  In “Wiki leaks Realization“, I applaud how these revelations reveal just how stupid our world leaders (mostly men) are.  “Don’t ask Don’t Tell” is just one of my several blogs that attack the moronic bigoted behavior in the world.   In “The Wal-Marting of America“,  I talk about how China has adopted a similar policy of that adopted by Wal-mart to economically crush everyone but them.  In ‘A Letter to the Rich“, I send these sycophants a warning.    In The God of Abraham VS Spirituality,  I detail reasons why belief in this god,  contradicts its adherents claim to spirituality.   “Jesus“, is another of my polemics against bigotry.  In “The Age of Stupid“, I mourn the current anti-intellectual climate fostered by the right wing-nuts of the republican party.    In “Inherent Bigotry“,  I detail how I think the bigotry is inherent in the three major religions that dominate the world today — Judaism, Christianity and Islam.    In” There is a fine“,  I talk about why parents — not teachers — are the ones who are really the ones responsible for the education of their children.   In”I’m Tired of the Bleeping Censorship“, I point out how silly trying to control media language with “‘bleeping” offensive language is.   “Are the Republicans the New Sodomites?“,  is not actually one of my blogs, but was a New York Times OP:Ed in which Nicolas Kristoff, gives an amusing quiz that points out just how out of touch with reality the Christian right are.   In “Corporate Person-hood“,  I decry the supreme court’s decision that gives corporations the same rights as real people and I make an argument why they are not at all human.  in “Good People“, I give my opinion on what it takes to be a good person.   In “Not for Profits Please” I give my argument why these entities are a superior way to proceed in the future.   In “In the Tradition of Tomas de Torquemada” I decry the religious zealotry of Rick Santorum.    And finally in this category, I wrote two companion blogs,  “Racism is …“, which explains why we should stop using this archaic word and “Ethnic Bigotry is caused by?“, which details what science has discovered about the sources of bigotry.

NEWS RANTS
In “My Take on Egypt” I talk about what I think really spurred the Arab Spring.  In “McCarthyism Reincarnated“,  I make a short comment on the ravings of Ann Coulter.  In “Nuclear Lies“, I argue that no matter what we do with this form of power, it will never be safe.  In discuss the meaning of “Cults“, and in Bill Maher’s comments about conservative woman… I argue that Mr. Maher’s comments is neither a sexist nor misogynistic.  In Here’s Something I rant about the Supreme Court decisions on corporate person-hood.

PICTURES
 In “Pictures“, which is not really a blog in my list, but a menu item at the top of my blog, I display some of the favorites from the pictures I have taken.   I display some pictures of my master in “My Cat: Wheatina Turdmonky“.  Lastly in this category, I chronicle the tragedy of  “A Green Heron Saga”

WEIRD
This category had a few entries, but the others have already been mentioned in other categories, so there is only one left.  “A Mystery Noise”  Tells about an actual, very frustrating experience I had in my home one long night.

SHORT STORIES
I have two short stories of my own in this category, “Symbiosis” a completely fictional short short story about an encounter with an unusual individual and “Words in Time“, another short short of mine with time travel as its theme.  And finally in this category, I put in one that is not mine “The Story of an Hour“, by Kate Chopin.  Although only one page long,  this is one of the most powerful short stories I have ever read.

WORDS
In this final category, I offer on blog that lists some of my favorite “aphorisms” in general and then two more that deal specifically with “Death” and “Ennui”  I also include a list of “Aphorattemts” which lists some original quotes of mine.

Jokes

Posted: December 26, 2010 in ALL POSTS, Jokes
Tags: , , , , , ,

What follows are some
of the best jokes I have
either heard  or come
across on the internet
over the past several years.
As I come across new ones,
I will paste them at the top.

The Bet

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.

Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.

“Was it an inheritance?” he asked.

“No,” she answered.

“Was it from playing the stock market?” he inquired.

“No,” she replied.

He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.

“I bet,” she stated.

“As in horses?” he asked.

“No,” she replied. “I bet people.” Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day –how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. “Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer!”

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong with him?” he inquired.

“Oh, him,” she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”

____________________________________________

The Parrot

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.  He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot   squawks “and get me a whisky you cow!”  The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls,                                          “and get me another whisky you bitch”.  Quite upset, the girl comes back with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll give you a slap”.

A few moments later both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.  Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “for someone who can’t fly you’re a cheeky bastard!

___________________________________________

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.

“This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.

“This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “what do you think of this?”

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS,”

To which the old drunk replies, “That right, now guess how old I am.”

____________________________________________

WOOPS!

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.

A nurse walked by and said, “Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer.”

The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, “Dammit! Some asshole has my pen.”

___________________________________________

The Cowboy Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his Dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?” Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!”

___________________________________________

An Eye Catcher

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of hersocket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

“Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her

eye back in the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to

you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the

woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him

into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild,

passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and

brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman. Are

you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied, “You just happened to catch my eye!”